


I Loved You

by MaybeImToBlame



Category: Actor RPF, Marvel Cinematic Universe RPF
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Angst without a happy ending, Break Up, Breaking Up and Getting Back Together, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Sex, Heavy Drinking, Hooters, Hurt No Comfort, Long Distance Relationship, M/M, Moving On, Rimming, Rough Sex, Vomiting, depending on how you look at it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-24
Updated: 2019-01-11
Packaged: 2019-06-15 08:57:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 15,601
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15409485
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaybeImToBlame/pseuds/MaybeImToBlame
Summary: Chris and Sebastian break up after a long on and off relationship. Chris is left with the weight of the aftermath.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [redwinterstars](https://archiveofourown.org/users/redwinterstars/gifts).



> Self-indulgent, therapeutic pity party for one. In other words, I cast my own feelings on to Chris and Sebastian.

Chris sat on the train, hat pulled low and sunglasses hiding his eyes, he was hunkered down in an oversized jacket that smelled like _him._ Just a few more hours and he’d be home. He didn’t know where it had all gone wrong all he knew was it had. It was all just a blur in his mind now that he thought back on things. A whirlwind romance stemming from an established friendship that faded into a mess of insecurities and lies leading to the broken state he was left in today, short both a friend, and a lover.

 

* * *

 

For years now, they’d known something was brewing between them, since the first Cap movie back in 2010. Their chemistry was instantaneous. They’d gone to the bar after their first day of filming together and grabbed a beer, the comradery between them coming as easily as it would for two old friends, they’d talked until last call and then they’d found a park and continued their conversation until they could see the sun rising on the horizon. They’d gotten Hell from the makeup artists the next day for the bags under both of their eyes but it had been worth every second. They’d been inseparable after that. Even after not talking for weeks at a time they could fall back into each other with a grace of familiarity as if no time had passed at all. By the time Winter Solider was set to begin filming in 2012, he’d felt his feeling becoming harder and harder to hide. He was the kind of guy who wore his heart on his sleeve, he was also a romantic at heart and couldn’t stop himself from thinking about how much he’d regret missing this opportunity if he didn’t go for it, so in the most cliché way ever, he waited until Valentine’s Day of 2014. Sebastian had been out of his previous relationship for almost four months now and didn’t seem to be too torn up about the fling either, so he had felt confident enough to made his move.

He asked him out through a long-winded text message. He’d have loved to do it in person but Sebastian was off filming in Washington State and he was in New York. He knew Sebastian would be back the week after next but he couldn’t wait any longer. It had taken him so long to hype himself up to ask in the first place. So, he put it all on the line.

_Seb, you know you’ve become one of my dearest friends over the past three years, the first time I met you I felt like I’d known you all my life. Everything comes easier when I’m with you and I know that I’ll be kicking myself for the rest of my life if I don’t at least put myself out there. So, with that said, I need to tell you how I really feel. Sebastian, I love you. I think I’ve been falling for you since that first night I met you and over the past three years it’s just been building and building and I can’t keep these feelings inside anymore. I’ll understand if you don’t feel the same way but I just have to let you know how I feel, just in case there’s the slightest chance that you feel the same. I have to give it a try. I know you’ve been out of your relationship for some time now, but if it’s still too soon, that’s ok. Just be honest with me. I really want to give this a try. I want to give us a try if you’ll let me. You’re the most amazing man I’ve ever met. And if you don’t feel the same, please don’t let this affect our friendship, I’ll always still be here for you in all the ways I always have been. But if you do feel the same, I’d be honored if you’d let me give loving you a try._

Chris had hit send on the message before checking it for typos or re-reading it to make sure it made sense. He was pretty good at getting his emotions out in writing, better than he was doing it through speech, so he was pretty sure that it at least made sense. He knew that if he’d had time to mull over the text he wouldn’t have sent it. So he hit send and then literally threw his phone across the room, before sitting in the dark in his studio apartment, heart racing in his chest.

-

It had only taken an hour and twenty minutes to get a reply back, his phone still lying on the floor where he’d thrown it when it began buzzing and chiming. He’d almost jumped out of his skin. He’d been reading over a few recipes trying to figure out what he wanted to make for himself for dinner that night. He’d almost tripped over himself to get to his phone where it laid on the floor.

‘ _Seb’_ read the caller ID. With a deep breath he’d answered.

“Yes…” Sebastian’s voice had sounded almost breathless down the line, “Yes, Chris, I love you too… so much, I have for such a long time.”

And that was the beginning.

-

They didn’t get to see each other much in the first few months of their relationship. Sebastian had come back to New York less than a week before Chris was set to leave for principal photography for Age of Ultron. They’d gotten four days and their first official date together before Chris had needed to leave.

It had been sweet. The two of them were both nervous, on top of not wanting to be spotted because they weren’t out to the media yet, they were, for the first time, nervous to be around one and other. The pretenses dropped though about halfway through an awkward meal at a far too upscale sushi restaurant when Sebastian had finally just blurted out.

“Shouldn’t you be at home packing? You have to leave in two days.” To which Chris had agreed, Sebastian had laid his hand on Chris’s from across the table and with a genuine smile he said, “Then let’s get out of here, I’ll help you pack, movies and junk food once we’re done, on me?”

Chris had only been able to grin back, and they’d paid for their meal and left. Their first official date they’d considered to be that night after the dinner, as they ransacked Chris’s apartment trying to throw everything he’d need for traveling to another country for two months. They’d both collapsed, too tired to even go out to grab snacks to make up for the lack of dinner they’d eaten and they’d fallen asleep against one and other.

-

The voice mail had come out of the blue. At least that’s what it had felt like for him. It had been six months. They were finally about to have a full week off where they’d be able to see each other for more than a day or two. That’s why it had come as a surprise when Chris had received the message.

_“Hey, Chris, I’m sorry to leave a message like this, but I’m about to get on a plane, and then I’m going to be really busy, speaking of, these last few months have been really busy, and I just picked up another side project, I’m not going to be able to see you next week after all, and after that, I’m not sure when we’ll be able to see each other, my agents got me in the works to possibly do something on Broadway and I know you’ve got the press tour for Ultron coming up. Maybe it would be best if we just put this on hold for now. I’m not saying that we’re over, but I don’t think I’m equipped to handle a relationship currently. I love you, and I don’t want you to think we can’t still be friends. But I really think it would be in both of our best interests to take a break for now.”_

Chris had felt numb. Not angry, and not upset, but numb. Numb and confused. The relationship had seemed to be going well, as far as long distance was concerned. They talked every day, skyped every other day and constantly texted each other when they had free moments. He’d though they’d been happy.

He’d dragged himself back home to his dark, lonely, shoebox of an apartment. He was playing _Captain America_ for god’s sake, he should’ve upgraded from this hole in the wall a long time ago. But the truth was, he didn’t usually spend all the long in it. Right now though, he was wishing he had because the size of it was stifling. Too small and closing in on him. Or maybe that was just his mind.

He’d fallen into a restless sleep that night. And the months after that weren’t much better. The press tour was nice. It took his mind off of things, getting to spend time with Chris and Scarlett turned out to be a saving grace. Scarlett was a longtime friend of his who he rarely got to see these days either and Hemsworth could always put a smile on his face. So even without Sebastian. He didn’t feel so alone. At least not during the day. It was the nights that were what killed him. He wondered if he hadn’t fought hard enough for it. He hadn’t even had been able to call him back for a week after the voicemail and even then, it had been a short talk. A short talk where Chris had just agreed with everything Sebastian had said, even though inside his heart was breaking. He didn’t want to force the man into anything he didn’t want. Besides, it was just a break, Sebastian had said he didn’t want them to really be over. The little voice inside of his head told him that was bullshit though, most people that went on “breaks” never got back together. Yet here he was still holding a candle of hope out.

-

They’d got back together against his brains better judgment. He couldn’t fight his heart on how much he still wanted Sebastian. It was December of 2014. Not even four months after Sebastian had said he’d wanted to take a break that they’d fallen back into each other’s arms. It kind of fucked him up now that he thought back on it. It had all started when he’d gotten a text the day after Thanksgiving from Sebastian,

_I finished all my projects finally. I don’t have anything lined up until we start filming for Civil War. I’m sorry I left you hanging for this long, but I miss you. Please, if you don’t hate me. I’d love to catch up._

Chris couldn’t help it, his heart started to race and he’d agreed immediately. It was as if those months of hurt didn’t even exist. He’d even said as much when they’d finally met again for a long awaited hug. Sebastian had started to babble apologies but Chris had hushed him, saying it was all in the past, and he wanted him back too.

A few days later they had their first kiss. It was crazy to think that they’d been together for a good six months without as much as a kiss. But this was their first kiss. The kiss was everything he could’ve hoped it would be. Their noses bumped in urgency as their lips rushed to meet each other’s for the first time, they’d pulled away blushing and laughing at their eagerness before Sebastian looked back at him and cupped his face, this time bringing their lips slowly towards each others again. Their mouths moved together seamlessly and Chris had wondered how he’d lived this long without Sebastian’s mouth on his own. After the first awkward fumble, their kisses had turned more heated, and soon, they’d found themselves in Sebastian’s bed. It was clear that it was not Sebastian’s first time with a man, but it had been his, and he couldn’t help but be in awe of every sound and sensation Sebastian was able to draw out of him.

 

* * *

 

He remembered everything like it was clear as day. He curled up in the train car, he still had a good ten hours to go, he might as well try to sleep. But right now, he knew he needed to pull himself together. If the waterworks started now he didn’t know if he’d be able to stop them. He hated that he hadn’t been able to get a flight, but the decision to go straight from Atlanta to Boston instead of from New York had been very last minute and with it being at the peak of the holiday rush, meaning, three days before Christmas, flights were crammed. He was surprised at how empty the train was though. Every passenger on this ride had seemed to choose to be spaced out every other row, there wasn’t a passenger in front of, next to, or behind him and he was glad for small miracles. He squeezed his eyes shut behind his sunglasses and tried to will away the memories, the feelings of Sebastian’s hands on his skin. Even now, it had been so long ago. Hell, months had passed since the last time they’d really been together, but it was all coming crashing down now. They’d been on yet another “break” in their relationship since three months ago. Chris had a feeling that sooner or later Sebastian would ask to try again, but he wasn’t going to give in. He wasn’t sure what the guy was afraid of, commitment it seemed, all of Sebastian’s previous relationships had been brief.  He’d thought for a while he was different considering that they’d been dating for technically three and a half years, but thinking back he wasn’t, their breaks were as frequent as the time between the flings Sebastian would have. That first “break” had been the first of many throughout those three years, he wouldn’t have been surprised if he went back and counted now to find that they hadn’t been together for more time than they had. He didn’t know what made him so different that meant Sebastian was keeping him solely around, in fact, until now, Chris had still been holding out for another reunion, but after almost four years. His heart couldn’t take it anymore. He’d talked to his friends, fallen apart in Scarlett’s trailer last week after filming the final scenes for Infinity War with Sebastian and told her everything, everything that had been going on in the past three years. And realized he couldn’t do this to himself anymore.

The more he thought about it the more he felt ashamed of that lapse, but he’d literally had a panic attack after the cameras had stopped rolling and he’d had to get away from him. Scarlett’s trailer had been the closest and he needed water, he had needed to sit down, he needed to breathe, without people looking at him, without the possibility of Sebastian seeing. And so he’d barged in, Scarlett had stood up startled from where she’d been facetiming her daughter, Chris didn’t remember much of it, but he remembered her calming voice, how she led him over to her couch and helped him lay down, how she’d gotten him water, and how he’d immediately burst into tears like a fucking _teenage girl._ But she’d listened, she’d told her daughter that she’d talk to her again in a little while and had gone to tend to him, he was more embarrassed the more he thought about it, but he had just needed someone, anyone, to listen.  And she had, so he’d told her everything. Everything that had happened in the past few years with Sebastian. Sebastian, who had seemed perfectly fine and at peace with the world while Chris tried not to hyperventilate in his presence during the wrap for filming. How had he not been able to see he was dying? Chris really did deserve an Oscar if he did say so himself. He felt like he’d cried for hours that day, yet here he was, still with more tears left to cry. He curled in farther on himself, he just wanted to get _home._ To his family, to his parents, to his brothers and sisters and to his _dog._ God, he missed Dodger so much right now.

And then it hit him… Fuck… the realization had been so sudden that he hadn’t had a moment to explain that they weren’t together anymore. He’d really thought up until last week that they would be back together by now. His family was expecting Sebastian to show up with him for Christmas. Well fuck. He could call them now and tell him that Sebastian wouldn’t be coming but he was afraid that even uttering his name at this point would set him off the deep end. He’d just have to show up. It would already be a surprise that he was a few days early, what was adding the fact that he was single onto it? It would be a surprise. As far as his family knew he and Sebastian had been dating smoothly for three years now. He hadn’t bothered notifying them at every little “break” they took. Disillusioned he was.

God, the more he thought about it the stupider he felt. How could he have been so fucking stupid? He’s not a 19-year-old anymore, new to love, he’s seasoned and experienced yet he’d let his heart go completely with Sebastian. And Sebastian? Sebastian hadn’t fucking cared at all, he really hadn’t, what the hell had he really been to him anyway? A distraction? A warm body? A confidence boost? All three? He obviously hadn’t meant much. Anyone who he was willing to toy around with so much must’ve not meant much… but was it really fair to think that? Was he taking the easy way out and trying to channel anger and point blame in a situation that really wasn’t anyone’s true fault? Or was it naïve to think that Sebastian didn’t really realize what he was doing? Scarlett had told him she thought it was, but she didn’t know Sebastian like Chris knew Sebastian. Sebastian wouldn’t hurt him like this on purpose.

The truth was, he and Sebastian were quite the fucked-up pair. Chris, with his anxiety, depression, and extreme insecurities, and Sebastian with his own anxiety and ever-present need to please others. They both dealt with anxiety, but their anxiety manifested itself in two entirely different ways, while Chris’s anxiety was almost entirely an internal battle, Sebastian’s radiated internally and externally, he dealt with the same insecurities, but his anxiety also manifested in an outward need to please, and an incessant string of pent-up energy, energy that would radiate off of him, most people took it for him being charismatic, when really it was a front, a front to which he propelled all that anxious energy. Sebastian was most definitely a people person, but at times he could be overly outgoing and impulsive, and the truth was, with his mind buzzing all the time, Sebastian would sometimes forget to stop and think. Chris had a feeling that in the moments when Sebastian would call or text to say he needed a break, he was in one of his frenzied states. He always got into those before big projects, and then he’d throw himself into those projects, and when he was done with them and calm again, he’d decide he was ready to come back. Chris understood that part of it, and he knew he couldn’t blame Sebastian for that part of himself, but the part that he didn’t understand was how Sebastian couldn’t understand how much he was hurting him? Sure, Sebastian lacked forethought sometimes, but didn’t he ever have the time to stop and think afterward? Did he really just not realize how much pain he was continuing to inflict by _leaving_ ¸ over and over and _over_ again?

That’s the part he didn’t get. How was it possible for someone to be that oblivious and not be a little bit at fault? He hated blaming Sebastian, because in his heart, he still loved him, but maybe he wasn’t wrong, it wasn’t diabolical by any means, this was all an accident, but that doesn’t mean that someone still wasn’t at fault for it. People cause accidents all the time without meaning to, but they’re still at fault. Maybe this was just one of those instances.

Coming to this conclusion still didn’t make Chris feel any less stupid though.

-

The train lurched to a stop and Chris woke with a start at the chimes of departure that played overhead. His heart pounded in his chest as he lurched upright, feeling disoriented. 17 hours already? He really must have needed that sleep.

Anyway, he was here now and it was time to face the music.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I really have no excuse for this except for that I needed to get my feelings about my last relationship out. And Damn. I really didn’t know how much needed this. I just projected all my feelings from my past relationship on to Chris and Sebastian. This was so therapeutic I have tears in my eyes. To any of you who took the time to read this, I hope you enjoyed it even if it did make your heart hurt. I'm currently writing a part two in order to delve into my own feelings a little farther, if any of you are interested in reading it, don't hesitate to let me know by commenting below! Thanks for reading!


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sebastian shows up again. Chris gives in.

Chris thanked his uber driver and wished him a Happy Holidays before closing the door behind himself. His suitcase by his side, he rubbed his hands together. The air was frigid and dry and his breath was visible when he breathed. That was winter in Boston for you, he thought to himself. Looking up, he sighed at the sight of at the three-story, grey, white, and forest green shuttered Colonial in front of him that was packed tightly next to the house beside it. The rest of the yard was in the back. The low wrought iron gate leading up to the door had icicles hanging from it with snow dusted in between its nooks and crannies, a gleaming stark white in contrast with the dark iron.  He could already feel the warmth of the familiar sight wrapping around him despite the below freezing temperatures. He was home.  
  
He opened the gate. The usual lock already being open and discarded somewhere in the house in preparation for visitors. It gave a soft clang behind him as it closed after he pulled his suitcase through letting its wheels slip on the thinly frozen patches of ice that had formed on the sidewalk. The stillness in the air was welcoming and he let himself relish in it as he continued to walk towards the familiar house. Snow covered the greenery around him and in the twilight, he hoped he wouldn't be noticed before reaching the door. It seemed that luck wasn't on his side though as he heard a familiar barking, he couldn't help the smile that spread on his face as the auburn pup raced towards him from where he seemed to have been doing his business outside.   
  
Chris dropped to his knees right there on the concrete drive a little ways away from the house as Dodger came bounding into his arms. The excited dog continues barking and wagging his tail as he tried to plant licks on Chris’ face in his frenzied state.   
  
"Hey boy!" Chris said as he continued giving the dog scratches and some much-needed affection. "Yeah, yeah, dads home. Yes he is, I missed you too." He continued nonsensically cooing at the dog as he continued to pet him. He heard the front door creak open and the glass outer door bang shut as his name was called.   
  
"Christopher, honey, is that you?" His mother’s voice called out.   
  
"Yeah mom, it's me," he said. Standing to his feet and giving Dodger another pat as he stood up. Gesturing with his hand for the dog to follow. He opened his arms. His mother quickly coming into them to hug her son tightly.

 

“Oh honey, I've missed you so much!” Chris smiled into his mom’s hair. Breathing in her familiar scent. He was home. And he was on the verge of crying again in relief.

 

His mother tried to pull away, but he wasn't ready to let her go yet. He squeezed her a bit tighter and with only a little reluctance she continued to hug him back. Chris pulled away and sniffed. Wiping his eyes. Hoping he could just brush it off as being overwhelmed at finally being home.

 

“Oh honey, what's wrong?” Lisa looked concerned. Her brows knitting into a deep furrow.

 

“Nothing, nothing, I'm fine. Just really tired. Do you think I could just go to bed when I get inside? I hate to miss tonight's dinner but I'm just so damn tired.”

 

“I'll leave a plate for you in the fridge. As much as I'll miss your company if you're tired you need to sleep. The little ones are going to be here tomorrow. You know you'll need energy for that.” Chris smiled again. He couldn't wait to see his nieces and nephews. But his mom was right, they'd wear him out in no time if he didn't get some extra rest. The two of them finally decided to get out of the cold and shuffled to the door. Dodger walking close at their heels as they did. A chorus of merriment came from the living room around the corner, easily heard as soon as they stepped into the warm house. Chris stomped out his snowy shoes on the inside welcome mat before removing his coat and placing it on one of the hooks by the door.

 

“I'll let them know you're resting. Go on ahead upstairs.”

 

Chris had barely gotten into the room when he felt his resolve break again. The door clicking shut only for him to slide down it in misery. Ugly sobs being ripped from his throat as he sat there trying to catch his breath. Dodger whined beside him seeming to know his person was in distress he attempted to clamber into his lap to lick the tears off his face. Chris gripped the dogs fur lightly and pressed his face into Dodgers side. Wrapping his arms around the dog's neck to pull him close while he continued to cry. He tried to get himself under control. At this point he wasn't even sure what he was crying about. All he knew was that there was an ache in his heart and in his gut that was eating him alive and the only thing that was managing to assuage it was to cry. So he did. He pressed his hands to his mouth. Biting down on his fingers to try to keep the level of noise from his sobs from rising. But it was useless. Dodger was lied across his lap seemingly miserable himself now since he couldn't help his owner stop being sad.

 

Scott trudged his way up the stairs. Taking care to balance the plate in his hand without allowing the silverware to fall off of it. He came over to Chris’ door and was about to knock when he heard the sound of whimpering behind the door. Was that Dodger? It sounded too human to be Dodger. It must be Chris. But why was he crying? Christmas was his favorite season? What was going on. He debated the merits of knocking but in the end curiosity and worry won out and he knocked softly on the door.

 

“Chris?” Scott said.

 

The whimpering from the other side of the door stopped. Now only silence could be heard. Scott waited. No answer. No twist of the door handle. No nothing. He was about to knock again when the door finally opened to reveal Chris. Doing his best impression of ok. Which really sucked considering that his eyes were still puffy and red. And anyone, even a fan who only knew him superficially would be able to tell that the smile on his face was forced. But his voice came out steady when he spoke.

 

“Hey man, sorry I didn't come and say hi. I've just been really tired. In fact, you just woke me up,” Chris gave a fake yawn, but Scott decided to play along.

 

“Sorry, mom just wanted me to bring this up to you.” He held out the plate of warm food to him.

 

“Lots of your favorites, the honey ham, the casserole, grandma’s mashed potato recipe.”

 

“Thanks, but I'm not really hungry,” Chris’ gaze wandered to the floor. He wrung his hands uncomfortably and shifted from foot to foot.

 

“Chris, you've been on a train all day. You probably haven't eaten since this morning. This is good food, you gotta eat man, it's not healthy to skip meals with your workout regimen.”

 

Chris shrugged. “I'm sorry, I'm really just not hungry. I might get up later and eat it. Right now, I'm tired and I'd appreciate it if I could get back to sleep.”

 

Scott let out a long-suffering sigh. Knowing that now wasn't the time to put up a fight. “Alright man, whatever you say. Go on, get some rest. We’ll talk later.” Scott had barely gotten his last words out before the door was abruptly shut in his face.

 

-

 

It was mid-morning the next day when Chris’ door opens. Dodger is on alert fast. But he smells a familiar scent and his head goes back down to rest on his paws.

 

“Hey buddy,” Sebastian says, “Good boy,” he gives Dodger a scratch behind the ear and Dodger’s tail thumps lightly on the floor.

 

Sebastian quietly walked over to the bed and rested a knee on the mattress as he pushed off his shoes. Chris woke at the soft thump of the loafers hitting the hardwood. He felt the bed dip and the familiar smell of Ermenegildo Zegna Essenze hit his nose. In a groggy voice he turned, blinking up at the man who was now hovering over his shoulder.

 

“Sebastian?”

 

“Yeah babe, it's me…”

 

“Am I dreaming?” Chris asked. His voice suddenly getting thick again. Sebastian crowded his already naked body down into the bed. He cupped Chris’ jaw and kissed him.

 

“You tell me,” Sebastian began to kiss down his jaw, but instead of going down his chest he diverted to his shoulders, stopping to suck a hickey into the back of Chris’ neck where he was sensitive.

“How-How did you get in here?” Chris shuddered, his lips parting in a gasp as Sebastian nibbled at the shell of his ear.

“Your mom let me in. Told me you’d been pretty upset… I’m sorry baby… I’m sorry I haven’t been here like I should have been. But I’m here now.”

Chris’ body had become pliant under Sebastian’s touch, his mind was still slightly fuzzy, but his body wanted this. And he was too weak to deny Sebastian. He knew, he _knew_ he’d regret this later but right then he craved it. Craved Sebastian’s lips all over him. He craved his fingers, his mouth, his cock, all of him. Chris flipped himself onto his back and spread his legs, allowing Sebastian to settle himself, fully clothed, between them. Sebastian leaned down allowing their mouths to meld together again. The kiss started out forceful, a bruising press of mouths that quickly softened into gentle pecks between breaths. Sebastian let his hand travel between their bodies up to Chris’ nipple, he pinched it slowly, rolling it between his fingers. This caused Chris to gasp and open his mouth into the kiss. Sebastian took advantage of Chris’ open mouth and slipped his tongue past Chris’ lips.  

“You’re so fucking beautiful like this…” Sebastian told him, taking Chris’ wriggling hips in his hands and pressing him down into the plush mattress. Chris groaned at the denial of control, but he let Sebastian manhandle him how he wanted,

“On your back baby,” Sebastian commanded just above a whisper. His irises only visible as slivers as he gazed down at Chris. Chris quickly flipped himself back over. Before he could ask what to do next, Sebastian’s hands were on his ass. Chris gasped into the pillow as his entrance was exposed to the cool air circulating through the room. Sebastian thumbed at him, massaging slowly, his bottom lip drawn between his teeth as his eyes were zeroed in on Chris’ entrance.

“Lube?” He asked, Chris, who was gripping the pillow tightly managed to choke out that his lube was in the second drawer of the side table next to his bed. Sebastian made quick work of reaching over Chris to his side table to grab the lube,

“Condoms?”

“They’re in there too.” Chris told him.

“Babe,” Sebastian said as he rifled around in the drawer. Chris just groaned in response.

“You’re out of condoms.”

“I don’t care, please, just fuck me… I’m clean. Aren’t you? Have you been with anyone else?”

“I wouldn’t do that to you.” Sebastian said. Chris couldn’t help the ugly little voice in his head saying Sebastian could be lying. But he didn’t care. As careless as it was. He just needed Sebastian. And he needed him now.

“Seb?”

“Yeah babe, I’m right here.” Chris moaned out at the sound of the cap on the lube clicking closed. He felt Sebastian’s slick fingers prod at his entrance.

“Seb… please.” He panted out. White knuckling the pillow underneath him.

“Fuck me. Please fuck me… please…” Chris babbled. Sebastian hushed him, leaning over to kiss at the back of his shoulder blades as he let a finger press past the resistance slowly. Sebastian slowly worked Chris open with one finger. Chris was panting beneath him.

“Seb, need to feel your skin… please.” Sebastian removed the finger from Chris and allowed him to turn back over. Chris pulled his neck down for another kiss as he fumbled with the buttons of Sebastian’s shirt. Sebastian took Chris’ hands and helped him unbutton the buttons. At the touch of skin on skin Chris broke away from the kiss. He ran his hands up and down the toned hard muscles of Sebastian’s body. Digging his fingers into the soft flesh at the divot of his spine right above his ass. Sebastian groaned and rutted against Chris. His hardness apparent even through the jeans he was wearing. Chris slipped his hands into the waistband of Sebastian’s jeans. Allowing himself to squeeze the globes of his ass as he sucked on his neck. Sebastian keened at the sensations and panted into Chris’ ear. Sebastian pulled back, causing Chris’ hands to slide out from his pants, Sebastian now straddled Chris, his own hands working deftly to undo his own belt and zipper. After getting them loose he swung his leg back over Chris to kneel on the bed beside him. Chris leaned up after him, not letting his hands leave Sebastian’s hips.

Chris quickly worked to get Sebastian out of his pants and Versace boxer briefs. He couldn’t help but let out a small huff at the humor of Sebastian’s expensive tastes going down to his underwear. Sebastian kicked himself out of his underwear before collapsing back on top of Chris, once again straddling him. They continued to writhe against each other, now naked, hard, and sweaty. Chris’ legs came to bracket Sebastian’s waist as he began to try to get Sebastian’s cock to rub between his ass cheeks.

“Not yet baby, not yet,” Sebastian told Chris. “Want you on your back again.” Chris was beyond asking questions, he was desperate for more of whatever Sebastian would give him. So he flipped himself over, this time arching his back, allowing his ass to tantalizingly be on display. His mind completely clouded with lust at this point far beyond his earlier reasoning of why this was a bad idea. Sebastian gave a light smack to Chris’ left cheek, causing Chris to once again fist his hands in the sheet and press his face into the pillow.

“Gonna need you to stay quiet for me, do you think you can do that babe?” Chris nodded, again canting his hips up even farther.

“Good boy,” Sebastian told him. He leaned down, once again parting Chris’ cheeks, so he could get access to his entrance. Chris let out a yelp as his whole body shuddered violently at the first touch of Sebastian’s tongue on him. Sebastian didn’t take much time to build up the sensations, he quickly buried his nose into Chris’ ass and went to town, nuzzling up and down the crack of his ass, allowing his tongue to flick messily back and forth over his hole before attempting to thrust inside. He sucked filthily at Chris’ entrance before once again massaging it with his thumb. Chris whined at the feel of Sebastian’s thumb teasingly sliding in and out only the slightest bit, not allowing for much of a stretch. Sebastian pulled back, once again grabbing the lube from where it lied next to the two of them on the bed.

“How long has it been?” Sebastian asked Chris. Chris tried to clear his mind enough to think about when the last time had been for him. At least two months. He couldn’t quite remember.

“When we last saw each other… I um… I fingered myself once or twice since than… but that was the last time.” Sebastian hummed in an affirmative letting Chris know he’d heard him. He lubed his cock up slowly, Chris watched over his shoulder as Sebastian worked himself over with his hand, slicking himself up. All he could think was how much he wanted Sebastian inside of him. This build-up was torturous. But it didn’t seem that Sebastian was done yet. He squeezed more lube onto his hands and leaned back down so his stubble was scratching against Chris’ sensitive ass. This time he used two fingers to press into Chris. He slowly let them sink inside Chris before he added his tongue to the mix. Sebastian laved his way over Chris and around his fingers that were now pressing in and out of him at a slow pace. He allowed his tongue to venture lower to suck at Chris’ heavy balls. Chris felt the heat of arousal thrumming through his body as Sebastian continued to eat him out ravenously. Sebastian pulled away when he finally felt Chris was ready. He couldn’t help but lick his lips in delight at the vision of Chris clenching in front of him. He took care to slick himself up once again, making sure that he wouldn’t hurt Chris when he finally pressed into him.

“You ready for me?” Sebastian asked Chris. Leaning up to once again cover Chris with his body,

“Yes, yes, please… yes.” Chris said. Sebastian moved to press his lips to Chris’ again.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Chris told him on another shaky inhale.

Sebastian slowly let himself slide between Chris’ cheeks. The two of them moving against each other in sync.

“Seb, please… please. Please please…” Chris begged. And who was Sebastian to deny such a beautiful request? So, with that, he let his cock catch on Chris’ rim and slide slowly into him. Chris gasped out his hands once again fisting the sheets as his legs buckled on the bed as Sebastian steadied his hips with a firm hand. Chris hissed at the stretch that Sebastian’s cock provided. For a while, the only sound was of skin slowly moving against skin. The two of them just letting each other feel the presence of one and other. The union of what it meant to be connected like this again. It took a little while, but finally, Sebastian’s cock began to drag deliciously over that spot inside Chris. Chris’ head arched backward at the sudden contact. Chris quivered underneath Sebastian as Sebastian grunted out in pleasure into his shoulder as he began to move quicker inside of him.

It was during this moment, as Sebastian began to rail into him that Chris’ mind wandered. Finally clearing and wandering to the exact predicament he was in again. Back in bed. With Sebastian. He’d allowed him to take him apart again piece by piece without a fight. Like the last few months of pain had meant nothing. Why did he let himself keep giving in like this? And as much as he didn’t want this, as much as he wanted to tell Sebastian to stop, he did want it as well. He yearned for it. And he was getting it. And he hated himself. He hated himself for still being so damn weak for Sebastian. He turned back into his surroundings. Sebastian’s thrusts were now becoming erratic as he continued to brush over Chris’ sweet spot deliciously. Chris felt himself leaking onto the bed beneath him, but he could care less. Sebastian faltered, suddenly more of his weight fell onto Chris and Chris realized that it was because Sebastian had stopped holding himself up over Chris. The position shifted just enough so that with every drag in and out Chris’ spot was getting brushed head on. Over and over again. He knew he was going to cum soon. He could feel Sebastian’s cock twitching inside of him and he pulled his head out from the pillow just enough, so he could gasp out a quick request.

“Touch me… Seb, please touch me…” Sebastian groaned loudly, and he pulled out completely and Chris lost his breath as he flipped him over onto his back. Sebastian grabbed Chris’ ankle as he spread his legs again for him, shoving the pillow that had been under Chris’ head underneath his hips in order to get the right leverage. He once again flanked Chris on all sides as he slid back inside him, this time a hand also came between them to stroke Chris’ cock quickly in time with the brutal pace of his hips. With every large stroke, he again brushed against that spot inside Chris’ ass that caused pleasure to ripple up his spine and burst behind his eyes.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” Sebastian chanted through erratic gasps and grunts. Chris let his feet come around to press into Sebastian’s ass. Holding him in place as he thrusted roughly. Sebastian cried out. Feeling himself cum inside of Chris with a rush of pleasure centered through his cock. Chris whined, his feet coming loose, allowing Sebastian’s thrusts to once again become longer and harder as he tried to bring him to a finish. It didn’t take much longer, and as Chris cried out, his cum spurting out onto his chest, Sebastian leaned back in and captured his lips as his ass clenched around Sebastian’s cock.

“That’s it… that’s it…” Sebastian encouraged as Chris continued to writhe as his orgasm finished rushing through him. “You’re ok… you’re ok…” Chris wasn’t quite sure if that was true. He felt the tears on his cheeks, the ones he’d let fall involuntarily, he wasn’t sure what they were for either. There were just too many emotions flowing through him currently. The physical pleasure was obviously there but the emotional pain radiated through him as well. He’d never felt so discombobulated in his life and he didn’t want Sebastian to see him like this, so he turned, pushing his face back into the second pillow at the head of his bed and curling up, letting his sobs finally take over his body as the pleasure left him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really appreciate any feedback you want to give me! I am almost done with part three. It's going to be an emotional conclusion. And remember, it won't be a happy one. But I hope you'll continue reading.


	3. Chapter 3

  
It was later in the day when Chris woke up. He felt a warm weight at his back. It took a few moments but everything quickly came rushing back to him. He stirred slightly, not sure what he wanted his next move to be. He felt Sebastian's hand slide along his hip as he pressed his chest to his back. Sebastian's began sucking and nipping his way down Chris’ neck. Chris let out an involuntary whimper as Sebastian continued to suck roughly at his clavicle. His stubble this time scratching against Chris’ back as he continued his assault. Chris squeezed his eyes shut. Trying to just enjoy this. Trying to forgive Sebastian and fall back into things. That would be the easy way to go. It was the way he wanted to go. But his mind was racing and it wouldn't leave him alone. He knew this wasn't what he deserved even if it was what he wanted.

Finally he slid out of Sebastian's grip. Pushing Sebastian away from where he was kissing into the divets of his shoulder.

“Stop, stop…” he said. His voice still heavy with tears. He rolled out of bed and pulled back on his underwear and the Kahki pants he'd been wearing before. He left the fly unbuttoned. He stood to his feet only swaying slightly at the abrupt change of positions. He paced, fisting his hands into front tufts of his hair. His face contorted in an ugly combination of pain, anger, and sadness. His chest began heaving with intermittent sobs. He let go of his hair and gestured wildly with his hands.

“I don't know why I keep letting you do this to me!” He he shouted with as much volume and vigor as he could while he was still crying.

Sebastian sat on the bed looking confused. Chris stood in front of him still gloriously naked from the waist up but in such obvious distress and he didn't quite know what to do. He was feeling chastised and concerned. He'd originally thought the tears were just because Chris was overwhelmed. He hadn't been opposing when Sebastian was ravishing him so he'd just assumed he'd wanted it. He hadn't ever said no… but now Sebastian was realizing there was a lot more going on and the tears were obviously a sign of something deeper. Something he was the cause of. But he didn't understand what.

Chris continued to pace. His hands trembling as his chest heaved with heavy, desperate sobs. Suddenly he stopped pacing. And like a switch flipping something changed. Chris wasn't sad anymore. He was angry. Without thinking he grabbed Sebastian's clothes of the floor and threw open his door. Marching down the stairs and to the front door. Sebastian sprang to his feet not sure what to do. Chris had managed to forget his boxers in his haste though he'd taken his sweater, shirt, undershirt, pants and even his socks. Sebastian pulled his boxers on quickly sprinting after Chris who had thrown his clothes out into the snow on the lawn.

“Chris! What the hell!?!” He cried.

“Three fucking years!” Chris shouted. “For three fucking years you've strung me along! And I stayed because I loved you so fucking much! And in that time. I have completely lost sight of myself. And I'm just beginning to realize it now. And now, now you have the god damn nerve to show up here. After you broke up with me. AGAIN! A-fucking-gin! I can't even tell you how many times it's up to now. And I almost fell for it. I almost let you back in. I did. I did let you back in. Back inside me. Back over me. I almost fell for it again. And I want to believe you. I want to believe you when you say you love me this time, but I know, I know in my heart of hearts you may think you do, but you don't. You know why? Because you don't understand what real love is. Have you ever wondered why your relationships don't work out? It's because you don't know how to truly love someone. Loving someone means letting them see all of you. Loving someone means not pushing them away when things get uncomfortable or hard. Loving someone doesn't mean hiding the unsavory parts of you. Truly loving someone means bearing your soul to them and trusting them to not take advantage of it.. Loving someone means letting them in. And you don't know how to let people in. So how the hell is someone supposed to love you?” Chris trailed off again.

The cold wind blew. It stung the tears on his face. Until that moment he'd forgotten that he had stormed out into below freezing temperatures. God. He was dramatic. He trudged forward his feet frozen and probably in danger of frostbite considering that he was walking around in the snow with no shoes or socks. He picked up Sebastian's shoes and pants and handed them to him. Sebastian stepped into them quickly, toeing his shoes back on as Chris got close to him. Chris closed in on him and reached to cup his face before he began to speak.

“Sebastian…” he said again, his voice wet with tears. “You deserve love. You deserve all the love in the world. But you have to understand. This is not the way to go about getting it. Please, don't be mad when I tell you this, but you have intimacy issues. You need help. Talk to someone. Figure out yourself. Please. You owe it to yourself and whoever the next person you fall for is to get help, so you can love them right and they can love you right.” And that's when Sebastian broke. He looked down. Chris’ hands still bracketing his face. His own hand coming up to rest over top of Chris’s as he spoke through his own blubbering.

“I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so fucking sorry I hurt you. I didn't mean to… I didn't know. But I don't want anyone else. Please. Please Chris. Don't leave me. I'll get better. I swear.” It broke Chris’s last resolve and he was bawling again with Sebastian as he pressed their foreheads together.

“I'm sorry. I'm so sorry too… but I can't. I just… I can't anymore. I gave you your chances. And I can't let myself be dragged around anymore. I hope…” he trailed off. “I'm glad, that you're going to get help. Because you need it. And I hope, I hope you find someone new. Because you deserve love. I'm sorry it can't be me. But I just… I can't put myself through this anymore. I want to trust you...but I don't think I could ever come back to myself if we tried again. I'm sorry. I'll always love you. I'll always want the best for you. But I have to let you go.”

Chris took Sebastian's sweater from him where it shook in his grip. He pulled away enough so that he could slip the sweater over Sebastian's head, Sebastian then slipped his arms through the sleeves. He looked so venerable standing there.

The cuffs of the sweater were just this side of too long on him. They covered his hands making him look soft and young. Like back when the two of them had first met. Sebastian's face had changed since then. It was still as handsome as ever but the hard lines had become more defined. His jawline now sharper than ever. His lips more pronounced and the wrinkles in his forehead and around his eyes more prominent. He was still as beautiful as ever but in this moment of which he looked particularly young, Chris felt himself yearning to reach out and take him into his arms. It made him wonder that if he could just hope hard enough that his will alone would be enough to turn back the sands of time. But he knew it wouldn't be.

In the moments Chris had been lost in his head sebastian had shifted back into his earlier stance. This time it was almost imperceptible but Chris’ sharp eyes picked up on it. The slight trembling of Sebastian's shoulders as he continued to look down at his feet and clutch his arms tightly around himself. Chris knew that Sebastian was crying again and it broke his heart. He knew what he'd said had hurt Sebastian and honestly he hadn't meant to be so harsh. He looked over at the house. The curtains fluttering and the door creaking shut. He couldn't help but roll his eyes at how nosy his family was being. But to be fair, he had caused a bit of a scene. However, right now he wanted a bit of privacy. He moved so his body was blocking Sebastian's and so he was turned away. He knew his sister was particularly good at reading lips after being deaf in one ear her whole life and she always seemed to use it to her advantage. And this wasn't a conversation everyone needed to be in on.

After moving to block Sebastian from the view of his family. He gingerly placed his fingers below Sebastian's chin. Trying to coax him to look up at him. Sebastian turned his head away but without his mane of hair he couldn't hide his face as easily and Chris was able to see the puffy redness of his eyes against the stark paleness of his skin. Sebastian brought his hands up to wipe at his eyes and nose. Chris all the while tried to coax his face back towards him but Sebastian had finally had enough and pushed him away.

“No...no Chris, I'll leave. I've done enough. You don't have to say anything else.” Sebastian tried to turn to flee from the yard but Chris grabbed his wrist. Stopping him in his tracks. This time Sebastian was angry when he turned back. His fist clenched tightly as Chris held onto his wrist.

“Please. Just listen to me.” Sebastian stopped struggling. He waited for Chris to speak.

“I'm sorry. I'm really. Really sorry. But I don't blame you. I just need you to know that. I blame. Both of us. I've seen how you get after your relationships don't work out. Sure, blame yourself a little. but know this time that I deserve to shoulder some of the blame as well. I could've stopped this earlier. Then maybe things wouldn't be such a mess. Sure, we wouldn't have come out unscathed but maybe. Just maybe it wouldn't be like this. I don't blame you for showing up here. I was kind of expecting it and I didn't tell you to leave when I should have. We've gotten into this tragic cycle. And now that it's coming to an end. Just know, know that I'm sorry too. I'm sorry for saying things that may have been to harsh a few minutes ago. And I'm sorry it has to end like this. But please. Please take to heart what I told you as well. About getting help. Because I think it would be beneficial. Like I said. I still believe you deserve love.”

Sebastian nodded. This time he'd managed to keep his tears in as he listened to Chris’ spiel. Finally he was going to turn away. Expecting for that to be it. But Chris still had a firm grip on his arm. He couldn't help but snark this time when he spoke.

“I thought you were finally done preaching.” Chris let his own lips quirk up slightly at that.

“I am, but I'm still not gonna let you go out into this. There isn't a public place for at least six miles either way. It's below freezing and you don't have a proper coat. Come inside and wait for your uber where it's warm.”

“I-I can't possibly.”

“Why not?” Sebastian looked at Chris like he was crazy.

“Do you not just remember what just happened? Your whole family probably hates my guts right now. Rightfully so. I did hurt you. I'm not going back in there.” Chris rolled his eyes. He wasn't going to budge on this one.

“Come on.” He gripped Sebastian's wrist and pulled him back to the porch. Sebastian was hissing at him the whole way to let go but once Chris wrenched open the door he stopped. Chris pulled him inside and the rest of Chris’ family scrambled away from the entryway in a very unsubtle gesture of false innocence. Scott was the only one who still stood there. Arms crossed. An angry fire in his eyes as he looked at Sebastian.

“He's just waiting for his uber inside. You can stand down. Go do whatever you were doing before.” Scott didn't look happy at being told what to do but he went. Though not without shouldering roughly past Sebastian, physically bumping him hard as he did.

Chris rolled his eyes as he glared at Scott's back. He turned back to Sebastian with a sheepish expression. “I'm sorry about him.”

“No, it's fine. I understand.” Sebastian said quietly.

The two waited in the entryway. Teetering back and forth on their heels. Chris stood. Hands behind his back. Trying to look anywhere but at Sebastian. He honesty didn't know what else to say. He'd said it all. And now. Now it was just hard to even be normal around him. Sebastian seemed to be feeling the same way. His eyes glued to his phone on the uber app. It didn't take more than fifteen minutes for the car to pull up in front of the house. Finally Chris managed to look up at Sebastian.

“Did you bring anything with you?”

“No… just my phone. I kind of, well it was a last second decision. I was actually a little tipsy when I made it.” He blushed. Chris sighed. Stepping forward to open the door.

“Well, take care of yourself.” Chris said. Still awkward.

“Can I… can I hug you?” Sebastian said unsure. Chris’ expression softened and he opened his arms. He closed his eyes. Letting the hug last longer than it probably should have. They pulled away from each other. Bittersweet smiles on their faces. Chris watched as Sebastian made his way down the drive to the uber. Sebastian paused outside the car. He turned back. One more time. Sebastian took in Chris in all his glory standing on the doorstep. He didn't wave. Feeling it trivial and Chris didn't either.

Once the car disappeared out of sight Chris stepped back inside. He leaned against the door and felt the tears coming on again. He was tired of it but he knew the only way to heal was to give in. So he did. This time when he began to cry he didn't care that his family could hear. He slid down right there in the entryway and began to silently cry. Scott was the first to find him. And instead of suggesting that they move he sat down right next to him and wrapped his arms around him. His mother was the second to find them and she too sat down on the other side of Chris, the second to offer him comfort. When Chris finally lifted his head after crying himself out he found half of his family sitting on the floor with him. Yeah. He didn't have Sebastian anymore but he had all this. And in time he'd be ok again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There will be one last chapter. It'll be the aftermath and the healing process. It's going to take a lot longer to write but I expect to get it finished within the next month. Any feedback you want to give for now is greatly appreciated!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first part of the healing process.

March 2020

Chris stood on the balcony of his new home. Dodger was at his side. Playing with a new lion. He'd amassed a collection over the past few years of his time with Chris and they were all now spread out on the floor in the kitchen. Chris looked out over the hillside of his home and he breathed in the morning air. He picked up the lion at his feet and threw it partway down the hill. Dodger barked and wagged his tail. He ran after the lion. Barking happily and pouncing on it. The lion let out a squeak as dodger continued to play with it and Chris watched on happily. For the first time in almost three years he felt whole again. He didn't know when exactly things changed but about a week ago, he'd woken up and the ache in his chest that had been lingering since the day Sebastian left for good wasn't throbbing as much as it used to. In fact, it didn't hurt at all. And a new mentality had sprung up in his brain overnight. Sebastian wasn't worth this. He wasn't worth wallowing for the rest of his life over. Chris deserved happiness. He did. And he'd already put to rest the idea of it being with Sebastian. He deserved happiness. Just like he'd told Sebastian he did those three years ago. So why did it take him so long to realize it himself? Maybe in his mind he'd always known but he hadn't been able to see past it. He hadn't been able to convince himself that love was possible again. Honestly he didn't know why. But a switch had flipped and he felt more rejuvenated than ever. He felt like his life was worth living. He had three new scripts on the table and an already promising role in a new franchise reboot of the Terminator. They were planning on making three new ones this time and he was the Terminator himself. Sure the workout regimen wasn't fun but he was excited for the first time in a long time.

 

It had taken a long time to get to this moment but there were plenty of hiccups along the way.

* * *

 

The first hiccup was a month and a half after the two of them had mutually called it off for good. It was late January of 2018.

  
Chris had been living in New York. Spending more of his days drunk then sober, very much at the expense of his liver. He'd never felt lower in his entire life. He'd woken up more than once that first month in unsavory places. Once he'd passed out on the front stoop of the townhouse he'd been staying at. Another time he'd woken up sprawled out on his kitchen floor in a puddle of his own vomit. Luckily none of those unsavory places happened to be someone else's bed. That was, until tonight.

Tonight he'd drunkenly made his way to Sebastian's apartment in Soho by uber. He'd stumbled up the stairs and almost knocked on the door across the hall from Sebastian before fuzzily realizing that Sebastian lived in 8A and not 7B. Sebastian had opened the door. He himself wasn't in any better of a state. He slurred drunkenly at Chris asking him why he was there before Chris hauled him in by his shirt collar and kissed him messily. Sebastian pulled him inside, the two tripping over one and other to get to the bedroom. They fell into the bed in a tangle of naked limbs. Sebastian proceeded to give Chris the sloppiest rimjob of his entire life before managing to slide into him with almost too much lube used in the process. His cock slipping out and instead rutting roughly up Chris' ass crack through half of the process of getting off. Sebastian was finding it difficult to maneuver the proper mechanics of fucking while properly trashed. Once he got the hang of it though he fucked Chris into the next morning. The two of them surely having woken the neighbors on all sides of them with their unabashed volumes.

The next morning Chris woke up to an empty bed. The covers still messed up beside him but cool to the touch. He got up, his head pounding and stumbled his way back into his clothes and out of Sebastian's bedroom. He knew immediately where he was and his stomach churned at the idea of facing Sebastian if he was still in the loft somewhere. But he exited the room and didn't find him. About to leave when he noticed a note on the countertop.

Hey Chris, sorry I had to leave. I had an early call time. Listen, I don't know how you feel about what happened last night but I'm just as willing to put it behind us and not speak of it again if that's what you want. If not. You have my number and we can talk. Have a good day. Hope you still like your coffee black. Hopefully you'll wake up in enough time for it to still be warm.  
-Sebastian

Chris picked up the Starbucks cup that was next to the note. He took a sip. It was his favorite roast. He couldn't help the warmth that spread through him to know that Sebastian still knew what it was.

* * *

 

The second time was one and a half months later.

Sebastian was invited to the opening night of Lobby Hero as a guest of Micheal Cera, his other friend who was in the play. He'd debated for a long time over the merits of going and in the end just decided not to tell Chris about it beforehand. He'd decided he'd try to keep his own presence on the down low.

He should've known it wouldn't go as planned. Chris had looked surprised to see Sebastian sitting in the front row of the theatre. Breaking character for a moment. His facial expression showing off one of surprise when he noticed him. Sebastian gave a small smile and a wave and Chris snapped back into character quickly.

Chris had been making it his mission to purposely avoid Sebastian during the after party. Especially after their original relapse a few months ago. He was hyper aware of his presence across the room at all times. His eyes more trained on him than not. Trying desperately to stay out of his line of sight. It was easier than he thought to keep his distance considering that they were in a crowded VIP section of a club. But harder to keep track of him. And eventually he lost sight of him. After not seeing him around for a few minutes he began to relax thinking that maybe he'd left.

Chris made his way to the bathroom. He'd realized being on high alert the whole night had really caused him to begin to sweat and he wanted to splash some water on his face.

He stepped inside the dingy bathroom. It really looked like shit for being in the VIP section. He sighed, he Stepped over to the sink and began splashing water on his face when he turned around Sebastian was there. Behind him. Adjusting his hair in the mirror a few feet away. He jumped in surprise, visibly startled.

"Jesus Fucking Christ!" He cursed Sebastian looked over at him. Just as startled.

"Oh, hey... Chris." Sebastian said. Having whirled around on his heels to face him.

"Hi, sorry. I just thought I was alone."

"Well, I'm sorry for startling you." They stood there awkwardly staring intermittently at each other and down at the floor. Sebastian was the first to speak up again.

"You we're really great tonight. The play was awesome. I didn't think you could be an asshole but you played one really well. The mustache really tops the whole thing off." He commented. Chris felt himself blushing. He'd gotten the same compliment from many people but it was different coming from Sebastian.

"Thanks. Yeah. It was a commitment. The mustache." Chris fidgeted. Unsure what to say next. But finally he spoke after the silence stretched again because he'd been wondering when he saw him.

"Did you...did you come to see me?" He asked. Wincing at his question once it came out.

"No, I was actually invited by Micheal. But it was nice to see you too."

"Oh, ok. Cool, I didn't know you knew him."

"Yeah we meant at early auditions for Juno back in the day and kinda clicked. He also attended the same theatre camp as me."

"Oh that's cool." Chris said. Finally their eyes met for real. Locking in on each others. They'd been careful to only steal glances until this moment but once they'd actually caught each others eyes it was like neither one of them was willing to look away first. And then Sebastian pounced. He pushed Chris back into the closed door of one of the stalls that was out of order. The kiss was rough and desperate.

"Do you want me to stop?" Sebastian asked. Chris groaned and whimpered out a “no”. He was manhandled into the handicapped stall at the other end of the bathroom. Sebastian had shoved him up against the door and was kissing him hard. 

Eventually Chris flipped their positions and sunk to his knees in front of Sebastian. Roughly ripping open his fly and fishing his cock out of his pants. Not even bothering to slide them down to his ankles before he took Sebastian into his mouth. Chris moaned loudly around his cock and Sebastian hissed. His hands grappling for purchase on Chris’ brush cut. Chris wasted little time and as soon as he felt ready he was deepthroating Sebastian. Sebastian's head hit the back of the wall and his eyes rolled back into his head as Chris went to town sucking him. Wet squelching sounds and moans were the only thing being heard from the stall for the next few minutes as the two got lost in each other all over, not caring who could come in and hear. 

Sebastian finally pulled Chris off of himself. He pressed him back face first into the stall door so his back was to him. He fished a condom out of his wallet and rolled it down his own cock. He took the small packet of lube he kept in there as well and ripped it open with his teeth. He pressed Chris into the stall door hard as he reached around and undid his belt and fly. He slid his pants and underwear down just enough so he could get access to his ass. He then fingered him open roughly, barely prepping him enough before sliding into him and beginning to fuck him roughly. Chris whimpered at the pain but he didn't tell Sebastian to stop. He'd always liked a little pain. And it was needed. Especially today. Especially right now. He was trying to remind himself not to fall completely into the man above him and the pain was keeping him alert. Sebastian’s hips snapped against his roughly. Their clothes chafing against one and other as Chris’ belt buckle hit the door with a muted clang every time Sebastian fucked forward into him.

“Always so fucking tight for me.” Sebastian said. Chris began moaning at his words but Sebastian was having nothing of the sort. He reached around. Grasping Chris’ throat with just enough pressure for it to be erotic. Chris almost came right then. They'd always talked about playing around with erotic asphyxiation. And this was the first time they were actually trying it out. Sebastian must have already been experienced or he'd been doing his reasearch because he knew exactly how hard to press for it to be enough but not too much. Chris whimpered. Unable to form words.

“Such a fucking slut, letting me fuck you in this bathroom stall. Where anyone could walk in and know exactly what we were doing. Imagine if they knew who we were? You'd like that wouldn't you?” He hissed in his ear. He let go of Chris’ neck, his hand coming down instead to spank Chris’ ass.

“Answer me!” He demanded. As he punctuated his request with a thrust brushing right over Chris’ sweet spot.

“Yes! Yes sir! oh fuck, Sebastian please...” Chris cried out. Sebastian reached around again to grab at Chris’ leaking and neglected cock. He began to jerk him off with equally hard thrusts into him.

Chris cried out as he came all over the bathroom door he was pressed against. Sebastian was not far behind. With a grunt of his own Sebastian's hips stuttered and he filled the condom. Chris was only a little disappointed to know that he wouldn't be carrying Sebastian's cum in his ass back out into the public. He'd always liked that feeling. The feeling of being owned. It made him feel safe. Not that he wasn't into domination, in fact, he was more than dominant when it came to his relarionships with women. But there was something about Sebastian that made him want to give up all of his control.

They didn't say a word once they both came. Sebastian depositing the condom into the trash can by the door while Chris fixed his belt and ran his fingers through his hair before returning to the after party. Chris couldn't even meet Sebastian's eyes as he exited the bathroom before him. Chris proceeded to drink himself silly until last call. Both to numb the pain in his ass and in his heart.

He was kicked out of the bar and stumbled to the park across the street. He was woken up around three in the morning to a flashlight being shined in his face. A female officer stood above him.

"Sir you're not allowed to sleep here, do you have somewhere I can take you to?"

Chris got in the back of the police car soaking wet and with his ass still throbbing. He managed to get back to the townhouse he was renting about fifteen minutes later. He stumbled through his door and passed out on his couch in his clothes. The hangover the next morning was particularly rough considering that his entire body ached from how he'd fallen asleep awkwardly on the park bench, fucked with minimal prep, and passed out on his hard uncomfortable couch.

* * *

 

Chris finished out the show with minimal issues. He thanked whoever or whatever was listening every day that it's only a limited run. Sure. He showed up hungover once or twice but he was still able to do his job and his co-stars didn't say a word. He had a new movie he was filming right after. It was set to be shot in only a little under seven weeks so it was going to be a tight crunch. Unfortunately the filming locations are in New York. God, he really wanted to get out of the state. Unfortunately he couldn't. At least not for the next seven weeks.

Two weeks into filming and the crew was already fed up with him. He knew he was being a shitty worker. He knew he was being hell to work with. He never came in on time and when he did he was hungover and looking like hell. It all came to a head the day of the love scene.

As usual, Chris was late but this time he wasn't hungover. He was drunk. Plastered actually. And it was only three in the afternoon.

“Chris! There you are! You're late!” Anthony Russo who was co-directing the project told him with a stern face.

“Yeah, sorry man… where...where do you want me.” Chris was swaying on his feet and Anthony raised an eyebrow.

“Are you drunk? Are you sure you can work?”

“I'll be… I’ll be fine… just gotta get to the trailer. Drink some water. I'll be ok.” Anthony looked skeptical but he sent him off.

“Today is the love scene, you sure you can handle it?” Chris nodded

  
“Yeah, I’ll be fine.”

Chris muddled his way through getting undressed and getting his makeup on. He dutifully put on the sock as asked and only managed to run into one wall while doing so.  
He staggered his way out onto the set in his robe, Teresa Palmer was already there. Lounging in her own chair in a lacy black bra and a flesh-colored thong of her own. Chris was feeling queasy as he was spritzed with rose water, his head was beginning to throb, but he still had a long six hours of filming ahead of him. He was directed to get onto the bed. He did as asked. His back against the headboard. They called action and Teresa seductively walked her way to him. He delivered his lines as asked and Teresa climbed on top of him. Straddling him. Chris reached forward and undid her bra in a quick haste as he was supposed to, burying his face in her breasts as he kissed up her neck. She placed her hands on the headboard behind him and he began to rock up into her, they kissed as she pushed down into him. The director called cut and the lighting was readjusted, they reshot the exact same ministrations again from a second angle. Teresa’s movements became more vigorous the sex supposed to be hurried and slightly rough. He began moaning lowly as Teresa threw her own head back and cried out herself. Chris had to bite his lip and look away to keep from laughing. Sometimes fake sex scenes were just too hilarious to handle.  
It was when he had to flip her quickly onto her back that he got another head rush. He staggered in his movements. Accidentally grasping one of Teresa’s breasts in the process. He blushed bright red and apologized. Teresa quirked an eyebrow at him,

  
“You ok?” She asked. She knew as well as everyone else on set that Chris was drunk but sometimes you had to do what you had to do. Chris closed his eyes for a moment, bracing himself above her. His vision returned to normal and he nodded. The director yelled cut again and asked Chris if he was ok, he nodded, and they repositioned themselves to redo the flip. The same thing happened, only this time it was worse, Chris felt it happening before he could stop it, his lunch coming back up his throat, he threw up all over Teresa’s chest and the bed below him. Teresa gasped and shoved him off her. Chris moved quickly off of her, stumbling to his feet,

Teresa was being fretted over and cleaned off. Chris finally came back to himself, realizing what he had done. He was horrified. He wanted to help but he didn’t see where he could be of use. So he ran off back to his trailer. He got a text a few minutes later that filming was wrapping early because Teresa wanted to go home and shower. He also got a separate private text from Anthony saying that he was being summoned for a meeting the next day. Chris sighed. He felt like shit. He was still drunk so he managed to pull up uber on his phone and call a car. He got home and collapsed in his own bed face first. Dodger joining him. He fell asleep to the sound of Dodger squeaking one of his toys repeatedly.

  
-  
Chris misses the meeting the next day. He does not get fired, but Anthony and their other director Robert Rodriguez both sternly attempt to kick his ass into gear. Making it known that if he keeps fucking up like he has been he’s out, and that they will be suing him for time lost. They told him they didn’t care if they had to reshoot all of his scenes, they weren’t going to be putting up with it any longer.

He trudges out of bed the next day. He’s sober for the first time in ages. He profundly apologizes to Teresa when he gets to set and she is all too gracious with her response. Telling him that she’s had her moments as well but that she hopes this was a wake up call and that he’ll start being more professional on set. This was a job he was getting paid a pretty penny for after all.

Chris tries and he really does do better after that mishap. He shows up on time. Curbs his drinking to his days off and finishes up the movie in the given time allotted.

 

* * *

 

He remembers it very clearly in his mind. Those few months after he'd finished filming. He'd almost managed to convince himself he was completely ok again.

-

He moves back to LA to meet with his casting agent for three weeks after finishing the movie. When he’s not in meetings with various people he’s slowly reading scripts and oversleeping. He’s managed to curb his drinking to weekends. He was almost not drinking at all anymore to cope. He’d started going to his own therapist again and it had really been doing him some good. She’d urged him to get out of the country entirely but with his demanding sporadic work schedule it wasn’t possible. At least not until the end of the year. He started principal photography on his second movie of the year in late October. In early December he had needed to go to LA for a week to meet again with his agent and it just so happened that in that same week the Russo’s were throwing a Christmas gathering at their restaurant out there. He knew Sebastian would probably be there. He’d seen on his Instagram that he’d just recently got back into the states himself and was enjoying time with old friends back in LA before he’d be heading back East for Christmas. Sebastian always visited his mom for Christmas but currently it looked like the chances of him being at the party as well were pretty high. Unfortunately, Chris didn’t have any good excuse to get out of it either, so he found himself in his car and heading over there on his second to last night in the city of angels.

His grip on the steering wheel was tight. His mind raced with possibilities as his heartrate rose as each of his thoughts got away from himself. Was it stupid to be worrying so much? He hadn’t heard from the man in over six months. Not since their little tryst after the opening night at Lobby Hero. He’d finally managed to convince himself it was stupid to get this worked up about him as he pulled into the parking lot of the restaurant. He got out, a mantra of ‘you can do this, you’ll be fine’ going through his head when he was stopped in his tracks because there he was. There was Sebastian. In the middle of the small crowd that was gathered outside waiting for the doors to open. His head thrown back in a laugh as he talked to James Young. And holy shit, Sebastian looked radiant in the late afternoon sunlight. From here Chris could see how the sunlight reflected off the greying tips of his hair. He’d shaved his stubble entirely, looking different than he had in recent photographs. And god, he just looked so happy standing there and laughing.

“Chris!” his old assistant Maggie called out, his head turned to look at her. He gave her a hug and chatted for a few seconds. Asking her how she’d been. When she was pulled away from him by someone else Chris looked up again, his eyes locked on Sebastian. Sebastian who was staring straight at him. Chris felt like a deer in the headlights. Sebastian’s gaze softened as he looked at him. A shy hand coming up in a wave. Chris smiled back at him and they communicated with their eyes. Chris didn’t expect for Sebastian to start walking towards him though, and as he began to try to make his way over to him Chris’ heart rate sped up again. He looked left and right for a distraction and thankfully one came up. Joe Russo was coming through the crowd, keys to open the restaurant in hand as people gave him pats on the back from all sides. As people began to file in Sebastian got swept inside too, unable to continue his trek over to Chris. Crisis averted. Chris thought to himself as he walked inside and over to the bar. He was ordering a beer when someone else patted him on his shoulder and his attention was diverted again.

It was more than halfway through the night before Chris caught sight of Sebastian again. Chris was finally alone after a stream of almost nonstop catching up from various friends of his who hadn’t known he was coming that night. It had been nice but he was now thoroughly drained. He let his head come to rest on his chin as he signaled the bartender for another beer. This was his third glass of the night but beer was something that didn’t go to his head very quickly, so he was still pretty level headed at this point. Another glass was set in front of him and he closed his eyes and took a sip, when he opened them he noticed a presence that was beside him that hadn’t been there before. He turned on his barstool and almost choked on air. There was Sebastian looking as amazing as ever. Smiling at him with a lazy grin.

“Hi!” Chris said, maybe a little too loudly for the situation. Sebastian didn’t comment or flinch though and instead replied with his own low and soft “Hey, happy holidays.”  
Chris couldn’t help but smile at the soft timber of his voice. It was comforting.

“So, how have you been?” He asked. Surprisingly even though Sebastian was right in front of him his heart wasn’t racing at the prospect of talking to him, it was like that easy smile of his had just erased all the nervousness from his mind and caused him to slip into an easy familiar groove again.

“Great, great… really busy, been in Greece since late July. Came back a few times, but mostly I’ve been over there shooting.”

“Cool, cool. Did you have a good time?”

“Yeah, it was really nice.” They stared at each other for another few moments. Chris shifting his beer to the other hand in apprehension.

“I've been going to therapy.” Sebastian blurted. That caught Chris's attention and he looked up.

“Oh really?”

“Yeah, and um...yeah. You were right. I've got a lot of issues to sort out. But I'm doing better. Really. A lot better. So thanks. Thanks for telling me the truth. Because it was what I needed to hear.”

“Well, you're welcome. I'm really glad you're finally getting help. Like I said. You deserve to be happy.” They sat there. Fidgeting. Their eyes having trouble meeting each other when Sebastian finally spoke again.

“Look at us,” he gave a self deprecating chuckle. “We’re pathetic. We can't even look at each other.” Chris shrugged as he began peeling the label off the beer bottle in front of him.

“It's my fault, I know it is. And I'm sorry. It's just. We used to be such good friends and I have no right to be saying this. Not after what I did to you. But I miss you. I miss just being friends with you and just being able to text you when I have a bad day. I miss the memes. Or is it me-mes? I don't know, the point is. I just miss having you in my life.” Sebastian looked down at his lap.

“I miss having you in my life too… do you think… do you think you'd want to try being friends again?”

“What? Really? You actually still want to be my friend?”

“Of course I do. We were always so close. You're important to me. And I miss having you in my life too. Everyone deserves a second chance. You had your own internal issues. And I ignored them. I'd hoped they'd just go away. And you're getting help now right?” Sebastian nodded.

“You really think we could just be friends again?”

“What do you mean?”

“You don't. You don't still have feelings for me?” Sebastian squirmed uncomfortably.

“No. I'm over it. It hurt. But it's fine.”

“Good. Because I'm not ready to jump back into another relationship. At least not yet.”

“Do you still have feelings for me?” Chris asked. Sebastian didn't answer for a beat. Making Chris look back up at him. Sebastian sighed.

“Actually I kinda do. But I can't let them go anywhere. At least not yet.” Chris nodded. Then he stuck out his hand with A genuine grin on his face

“So friends?” he asked, Sebastian shook his hand.

“Friends.” He conceded.

“So, Friend, what do you say we head down to the Hooters down the block? I've been dying for some hot wings for days and they're so close now.”

Sebastian grinned. “You're on!” The two of them managed to sneak out the back door no more than a few minutes later. They ventured out into the night air. They entered the Hooters with charming smiles on their faces. The dimly lit sports bar was lively that night. But not too crazy that they wanted to turn back. One of the scantily clad waitresses gave them a large smile and asked them if they wanted to be seated at the bar or a booth. They decided to take a booth.

They ordered their food. Idly talking and laughing and catching up as they waited. Their platters were sat down in front of them about fifteen minutes later. They both didn't hesitate to dig in.

It was about an hour later and the waitress had come back multiple times. They'd opened a tab and had their drinks delivered. This time when the waitress came Chris's eyes were drawn down to her displayed cleavage. She made a show of giving them a little shake for him. Chris blushed. To try and make up for being caught staring by giving her a charming smile as she reached over to pour him some more water. She smiled back at him. Giving him a wink as she pulled back.

"You know if we were still dating I'd probably take you home and tie you up for that."

"Yeah right, only If I let you," Chris said with a sly smile.

"Of course, consent is always important," Sebastian said with an over dramatic flourish of his hand. Then he leaned in. His elbows on the table. Eyes locked on Chris's, "but I know you wouldn't say no." Sebastian gave him that signature playful smirk of his that he was so intimately familiar with. He'd kissed it off the younger man's face time and time before and he ached to do so again. But this was a friendly outing. Sure. A little light flirting was fine and even expected from Sebastian. Lord knows the man was a serial flirt.

"Though if we were still dating you wouldn't have to worry about me leering at the waitresses tits. My eyes would only be for you. Also if this was a romantic date we definitely wouldn't be in a Hooters."

The two of them finished up their shared platters of hot wings. Messily eating them fand laughing at the mess they were making of themselves in their ravenous hastes.

"God, I haven't had wings in months. They're so fucking good." Chris gave a moan as he licked the hot sauce off of one of his fingers. Sebastianrc sat back and patted his own stomach.

"You know it's a good thing we aren't together because I definitely wouldn't be in the mood to fuck you after a meal like this." Chris groaned.

"God don't even mention something as active as sex. I think I'm about to burst I ate so much. Also, anal after hot sauce? Not a good combination." Sebastian wrinkled his nose up at the last comment.

"Good point." Sebastian conceded. They sat at their table. Drinking small sips of beer and water as they let their stomachs settle. Finally they paid their tab and for their meal and forced themselves into standing positions.

"Come on, I'm staging right around the corner. Why don't you stay at my place tonight. You can't drive back. Also your car is in the lot down the street. So it would be closer come morning once you sobered up to get it." Sebastian said.

"Are you sure that's a good idea?" Chris asked. Fidgeting in the crisp midnight air.

"Yeah. Like you said, we can't fuck anyway. So there's no danger." Chris still looked wary.

"Come on," Sebastian said as Chris continued to hesitate. He grabbed him by his wrist and pulled him down the street. They entered Sebastian's apartment and Sebastian led him to his own room.

"I thought you said we weren't gonna fuck."

"We aren't," Sebastian told him. "But you look dead on your feet plus I know you're drunk, don't even try to deny it. You need sleep. And I heard about you throwing your back out on set. That was true wasn't it?"

"Yeah." Chris told him, reaching up to palm at where it was still pretty sore.

"So, I'm not gonna let you sleep on my hard ass fancy couch or on my lumpy, needing to be replaced, guest bed."

"Where are you gonna sleep?"

"My den, I've got a pretty sweet pullout couch, but it still wouldn't be good for your back."

"Are you sure?" Chris asked.

"Yeah, of course. I've got brunch in the morning with a friend of mine so just lock up if I'm not here when you wake up," Sebastian walked back over to him with a blanket, a tank top in his size, and a pair of pants that would only be the slightest bit tight on him.

"You're of course free to sleep naked in my bed but if you get cold here's an extra blanket and some clothes." Chris smiled at Sebastian. His vision already bleery from being both drunk and tired but he took the offerings gratefully. He began stripping himself of his shirt right there and Sebastian couldn't help but be a little bit surprised he decided it was probably best if he left before he got an eyeful he couldn't resist.

"Night," Sebastian said from the doorway.

"Night, thanks for letting me stay," Sebastian gave another nod of acknowledgement as he closed the door behind himself. Leaving Chris alone in the dark with his own thoughts.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I lied! There's gonna be even more. I'm going to stop promising an end and it will now end when I see fit. I don't anticipate more than one or two more parts of this though. We have to get through Chris falling apart one more time before he finally realizes his own worth so hang in there. I'm also toying with an open ending between the two. I didn't get my happy ending but it breaks my heart not to give the possibility to them. But also, the whole point of it is for Chris to realize Sebastian isn't the one even though he wants him to be. And the aftermath of moving on from someone you really loved with your whole being.


End file.
